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So you want to be a creationist?
Dave Williams

Congratulations! You've decided to be a creationist, and expose the evil lie of evolution.

Here's the three things you'll need:

1. A website
2. An idol
3. A short memory

Lets go through them one by one, shall we?

1. A website

This is an absolute necessity. You need to have access to a creationist website with lots of tracts that you can copy and paste from. When evolutionists respond to your posts or ask questions about creationism, you need a resource from which to post responses without actually thinking of them on your own.

Note: If you are unusually committed, you may wish to start a website of your own. To do this, simply go to a lot of existing web sites, save the source code, and paste it into the source code for your site. Don't worry about checking for accuracy, the important thing is to make a statement against evolution, even if the statement happens to be wrong.

2. An idol

You need to have one person who you regard as absolutely right about everything. This person needs to have two qualities:

1. He needs to be a creationist, obviously.

2. He needs to have a Ph.D. This is because every single time you refer to this person, you will use the title "Dr." For instance: "Dr. Spetner has shown that mutations cannot possibly increase genetic information, it's all here on Dr. Spetner's website, which includes many of Dr. Spetner's publications."

3. A short memory

This is important, because many times evolutionists will refute your assertions. If you remember these refutations it will only confuse you (and possibly lead you to question creationism, thus leading you down the path to the fiery pits of Hell).

Here's the three things you need to avoid at all costs:

1. Curiosity
2. Scientific knowledge
3. Understanding of logic

1. Curiosity

If you're genuinely curious about the world around you, you can get into all sorts of trouble. This is because curiosity can lead to a search for truth, but, as the Bible contains all the truth you need, searching for truth in physical reality holds the danger of showing you that the Bible doesn't accurately describe physical reality. So whatever you do, don't get curious. Don't ask questions unless you already have the appropriate Answers in Genesis, or Christian Answers, or whatever.

2. Scientific knowledge

Creationism depends on a basic misunderstanding of how science works. If you somehow discover how real science works many creationist arguments will lose their force. Therefore it is absolutely incumbent upon you to avoid developing scientific knowledge.

3. Understanding of logic

It's OK to know a few basic things about logic, such as that an ad hominem argument is inherently fallacious. Evolutionists will sometimes point out that you are woefully ignorant about science, and it's useful to be able to dismiss these observations as ad hom arguments. But be careful. If you understand logic too well, creationist arguments will begin to fail to make sense and so will the viewpoint of Biblical literalism. And you'll find yourself questioning whether Biblical literalism really is internally consistent. And one thing you must never do is question your assumptions. Leave that to the evolutionists - even as you deny they are capable of doing so.

Conclusion

If you follow these simple rules, you may well have a fulfilling and exciting life as a creationist. So remember to quote your website (and your idol) incessantly, instantly forget any refutations offered in return and whatever you do, don't read anything about evolution that wasn't written by someone strongly opposed to it.

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